When living with a chronic illness, listening to your body is extremely important. However, learning to pay attention to your body's signals (knowing when to rest, say no to plans, going to the doctor when something doesn't feel right, etc.) is a difficult intuition to develop. For me, fear of missing out or disappointing others has led me to ignore what my body needs. I find myself frustrated with my body during a flare or after surgery; I feel isolated when can't do "normal" things. Sometimes, the desire to participate in regular activities overwrites my sense of my body's needs. However, when I ignore my body and push myself past my limits, I pay for it later. For me, like others who live with chronic conditions, learning to listen and actually respond to my body's needs is a constant mental, physical, and emotional battle. Individuals with chronic illness have to face the reality of the limits that their condition creates, as well as learn to let go of trying to control the body.
My recent surgery and complications have reminded me the importance of understanding my limits. Severe fatigue and discomfort have forced me to actually rest, something that I struggle to allow myself to do. I've been experiencing the kind of weakness that results in having to sit down and rest after simply taking a shower. I usually love to be active and stay busy, but this summer I have been forced to decrease my normal activity level and spend most of the day resting. This transition, while absolutely necessary, was mentally difficult for me. Like many others with chronic conditions, missing out on social activity creates feelings of guilt and uselessness for me. Despite the challenges, I have, for the most part, been listening and responding to my body's needs more. So, how have I made progress in this area? The support of my loved ones have helped me give myself permission to rest. When surrounded by people who openly love me regardless of my physical ability and remind me of this, I feel more comfortable taking care of myself. I have received some tough regarding my self-care; I realize now that when I ignore my body and end up hurting myself, I subsequently worry and hurt the people around me. Knowing that I am loved and have value has made it easier to allow myself to acknowledge my limits. Fear of missing out and guilt from cancelling plans has, in the past, severely hindered my insight into my body's needs. However, I have realized that the people who really love me for me are understanding and do not get mad when I am unable to do something. Most of my guilt and fear has been self-induced, and the unconditional compassion I have experienced from my support system has alleviated some of my unease. The size of the support system does not matter; quality trumps quantity every time. Even having one person who tries their best to sympathize with having a chronic condition is invaluable. The process of understanding and responding to limits created by illness can be a daunting and frustrating process. Even after years of living with my condition, I am constantly confronted with new challenges and forced to learn new lessons. Often, I learn these lessons the hard way. I still feel pressure to be "limitless"- to not let my illness stop from doing anything, to stay strong, and to be "normal" despite my circumstances. However, the idea of "no limits" is unrealistic and harmful. It's okay to have certain limitations and to not be able to everything that other people can. Having limits does not decrease one's value as a person, and it does not mean that life is any less meaningful and fulfilling. By learning to listen to your body and treating it with respect and care, you can actually increase your quality of life and learn more about yourself in the process.
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Like many other aspects of chronic illness, the mental toll of health scares and hospitalizations is often hidden and avoided in conversation. The trauma of experiencing flares, painful treatments, and the panic of your body betraying you can really affect mental and emotional health. The reality of chronic illness is an uncomfortable topic for most, and is often avoided. As a result, an individual living with chronic illness is left to deal with the effects of the trauma alone, and can feel isolated and invalidated.
"You're so strong!", is one of the comments I hear most often regarding my chronic illness. While this comment is meant to be encouraging and complimentary, for a person with chronic illness, it can be frustrated. Yes, we are incredibly strong people who have been through a lot. Yes, we learn to adapt and live our best lives despite the circumstances. However, hearing comments such as these often makes me feel like I'm not allowed to vulnerable. I feel that I'm supposed to always be strong and take everything that happens with poise and a positive attitude. Without feeling able to express my pain and struggles, I often feel guilty and apologetic for my feelings. Most people don't really want to hear about struggles, pains, anxieties, and emotional defeats; it's uncomfortable and often unrelatable. Emotional vulnerability can feel like a burden; however, I believe that expressing fears and pain can be extremely therapeutic, healing, and raise levels of empathy and awareness. The reality is that individuals with chronic illness are not always strong. Sometimes, we get scared, we get angry, we feel sad and just want a hug. For me, especially when I go through flares of my condition, I'm both physically and emotionally exhausted. Physical difficulties exacerbate emotional difficulties. Fear creeps in, and anxiety increases. Recently, I've had some serious complications that have left me drained more than I have ever been. Fear surrounding eating, fear of going to the hospital again as a result of another emergency, and fear of the unknown permeate my everyday thoughts. I have to fight these demons every day, and during times like these, I do not want to feel like I have to always be strong. I crave permission to be weak, to not be okay, and to really say how I'm feeling. When feeling these things, the last thing people with chronic illness want to hear is a compliment of our strength. Of course we're strong; we don't have a choice. But our strength doesn't make us invincible to pain. We're human, and sometimes, we need extra support. It's okay to not be okay, and the best way to support someone who is struggling is to remind them of that. |
AuthorWelcome to Sickness and Society! I'm Jenna Lee, and I hope to work to create an open dialogue about chronic illness that leads to change about how society views illness. Archives
November 2017
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