The past few months have filled with a myriad of health issues, procedures, surgeries, and hospitalizations. It seems that everything that could go wrong, has. The complete rebellion of my body has left me distrustful of it, depressed, and on edge waiting for the next complication to happen. The emotional pain can sometimes rival the physical pain, and can lead to some pretty scary thoughts. I've had more than a few moments where I wished that the suffering would just end; that death was a favorable option over living in this pain. However, I have, by the support of my fiance, my determination, and my spiritual beliefs, kept going. Every day has been a challenge just to get through, and I've been anxious without having answers or any idea about how long this will go on.
This past week, I had the medical scare of my life. I contracted a staph infection that turned into sepsis. I had a fever of almost 105, a falling blood pressure, and was completely disoriented and delirious. I had no idea where I was, and no idea how sick I was. After being transferred from the local ER to the main hospital, my PICC line was pulled, two IVs were placed, I was pumped full of fluids and antibiotics. When I finally became coherent, I realized that I had no recollection whatsoever of the 72-hour period of my sepsis. In retrospect, I'm terrified of what could of happened. The reality is that I came very close to death. This reality has left me shaken, with a lot to process. One thing is that I am sure that I do wish to die, that despite my recent severe depression, I have a lot that I want to live for. Graduating college, getting married, having a career, traveling. I also realized that I still have some fight left in me. I thought that I had reached my breaking point and was almost ready to give up, but I'm not. I will take this illness day by day and get through it somehow.
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AuthorWelcome to Sickness and Society! I'm Jenna Lee, and I hope to work to create an open dialogue about chronic illness that leads to change about how society views illness. Archives
November 2017
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